Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
