remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The beer is more important than you right now.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i've created a new STD.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
