Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
