You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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