So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
