I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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