wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My bed smells like the plague
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
