Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
