now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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