We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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