Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
