do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
