i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
