I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
