she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
