just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
