And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
