i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
