My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
