when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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