you traded sex for a burrito?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
