I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
