So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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