tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
