dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
