She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we're making bets on your personal life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
