i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
