and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
