They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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