You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I wish I only lived at night.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
