when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
