i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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