you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
