Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
