seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I deserve this hangover.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
