There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
