You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
