She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
