So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
