Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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