Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
