my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
