i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
