this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My liver just had a heart attack.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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