Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
