Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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