i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
