you would pick up someone in the library
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
