why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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