im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He better not be in your backpack
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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