last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
