Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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