be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
